Survivor
by A-tinge-of-Ginge
Summary: This is Sephy's thoughts as she visit's Callums grave for the first time. Maybe wrong with details in the books i don't know. ONESHOT. PLZ R&R x


Hi Callum. Here I am. I'm here and you're not. I want to say 'You're just running late' or 'You'll be here soon', but I can't, because this time you're not coming back. You're probably wondering why it's taken me so long to come and visit you, I ask myself the same question.

Part of it's because of the sadness I feel every time I hear your name, every time I see a photo I should have put away, every time I hear laughter, it reminds me of you. It feels like there's a huge gaping black hole in my chest, and it sucks the happiness and joy out of everywhere I go. Worst of all when I see couples, kissing, embracing and just being together, I think of you and the pain is unbearable. Once I passed out. I woke up in a hospital room with no idea how I got there. I was so scared, but then I wasn't because I thought that I'd finally get to be with you in death. But I wasn't dead, or dying, just a mild concussion. Were you there when I was lying in that bed terrified? Were you there when the doctor told me I'd be fine? Were you there when he left and I couldn't hold back the tears? I miss you so much everyday. When I close my eyes I see your face, smiling at me and I can't stand it.

Part of the reason is because of the shame and guilt I feel when I know that it's my fault you're gone and it's my fault you're never coming back. I could have done more, should have done more to save you. I should have told the world about us and our love. I should have told them that it was love not rape. Did you hear Callum? I had a girl! She's beautiful and her name is Callie Rose. She is our child, Callum, our special little baby, part you and part me, but part totally new. And it hurts me that you're never going to know her, never going to hold her, or kiss her, or wipe away her tears. And you're never going to be there to do the same for me. And I've died inside and all I want is you back beside me, I need you back Callum, if not for my sake, for Callie, she has to grow up without a father and with me, a stupid, selfish, shell of a woman. I need you Callum.

But the main reason is hate. So much hate. Towards you Callum. How could you leave me? How could you die? I sounds so stupid now, but you died and left me here on my own with a baby. I hated you for being a nought, for not being a Cross, for I hated you for leaving. I hated you for letting yourself be hung, for giving up without a fight. And that letter. Do you know how much you hurt me? When I believed it was true I spent two whole days crying, I would cry all day until I thought I had no more tears left, but then I'd wake up with tearstains on my pillow and I cried again. Do you care? But now I don't believe it. I don't know how I could have ever believed it. I loved you… love you and you love me. Always have and always will. We were born to be together, we are soul mates, two halves of the same person and that's what makes it so much worse now that you're de- … gone. And Callie notices, she's only three but she notices every bad feeling that I've tried so hard to lock away, and it hurts her too, dammit. And I hated her. I can't believe I did, but I hated her so much and I wanted you back, I wanted you home. She was here and you weren't and it felt like her fault, if she'd never been born, if she'd never happened then you would still be here. I went through a very rough time, and I… I tried to kill her, I will never, ever forgive myself for that, Did you see me? Did you want to stop me? But I know better now, and she's the only thing I have. And she keeps me going, she's the reason I didn't kill myself, she kept me sane. She still does. You broke my heart Callum but she helps. She can never mend the part of it you broke, that will stay broken forever, but she helps. She is half of my heart, the half not shattered and it grows every day.

But I never hated you or her, half as much as I hate myself. I hate that I was not strong enough to save you. I hate that I am still not strong enough to be there for her. I hate that I am this way. I hate myself for being a Cross and I hate that I will never be okay again. That I will never be the best mother I can be. I will never be the best wife, sister, daughter ever again. And it's not your fault, or Callie's or my mother or fathers (as much as resent him), it's mine and I hate that I was too shallow, too selfish and never strong enough to say that.

I need you Callum. I need you like I have never needed you before. I need your strength, your spirit, your selflessness. And I need your help. I don't know what to do anymore. Callie's turning four soon and I don't think I can do this anymore, be a mother. I need you here to reassure me, to tell me it's okay. But you can't. So I need you to try, to do everything you can to make me a better person, a better mother for Callie. In a few years she won't remember anything about these first three years, but I don't want her growing up with a mother like I had, a mother who is depressed, who can't take care of her children, who won't hug them. She needs someone strong and I'm afraid… I'm so afraid that I can't be that person. So help me. Help me Dammit! I need your help! I have never asked for anything like this before! You owe me! You left me broken! And I need you to help make sure Callie doesn't end up the same way. Do you hear me?!

I can't be strong without you, I'm not even strong enough to stop the tears that are running down my cheeks, to stop myself collapsing to the ground in front of your gravestone.

Please give me a sign. Any kind of sign! I need a sign.

I'm sorry Callum. I just … this is just… much more … painful than I thought it would be. You don't owe me anything. I owe you everything. I'm just so confused and I don't know what to do.

_You are strong_

Oh my god. Oh my god! Callum? Callum? Are you there? Where are you? Callum!? Show yourself! Where are you? Why can't I see you? Tell me Callum!

"Callum! Callum!" My screams break in the middle because I've been crying. Can you still hear me? Can you tell that it's me? You probably won't recognise me. I look horrible, I always look horrible now.

"Callum! Callum!"

You're not in the graveyard, you must be in my head. Am I imagining you? Am I crazy? What do you mean, strong?

_You are strong, you have always been and will always be, strong. You are stronger than you realise. You are a survivor, Sephy._

Callum, can you hear me? I love you! I love you! I swear I can hear you smiling. Talk to me! Where did you go? Callum? Callum? Don't leave me again.

It's just a memory isn't it Callum? I thought it was real but I remember. I remember now Callum, you said those words to me when I told you I was pregnant.

And you know what? You're right Callum. I can b- no, I will be strong. I will be strong for Callie because she deserves more than this. She's all I truly have left of you and I need her just as much as she needs me. I will be there for her, like you were always there for me. I will love her and care for her like you did to me. And I will never leave her. Because I realise now that you haven't left and you never will. You are as much a part of me as I am myself. You are in my head and my heart Callum and you're in Callie too. I can see it when I look at her, when she laughs, Callum, she looks so much like you.

But you already know. You've seen her. You saw the time she fell over and cut her arm. You heard her first word. You saw her first steps. You watch over us. I can feel it, even if you can't feel me.

And Callie's going to have the toughest life, she isn't a nought, she isn't a Cross, she's beautiful and unique but society won't see it. She'll be an outsider. But you taught me that's not a bad thing. I just feel so bad for her, that she's never going to know you, never going to know how amazing and kind and beautiful you are. All she's going to hear is that you were a raping blanker.

I'll come back and see you soon. Maybe I'll bring Callie and tell her all about her father.

I don't want to leave but I can't leave Callie with Meggie much longer, our daughter has the largest lungs in the world, Callum. She can scream for hours on end. Meggie told me you were the same.

This is so hard. You aren't even here and I can't say goodbye.

I'll miss you. I know you'll be watching. But I don't need you to. I'm a survivor.


End file.
